CuJo Probed Over Probing

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Scottsdale, Arizona (FP) - Phoenix Coyotes goaltender, Curtis Joseph, has become quite accustomed to being under the bright lights in Scottsdale, but nothing could prepare him for the bright lights of an unidentified flying object that allegedly combed the skies over Arizona and picked up the veteran goalie after practice Monday night.

The County Sheriff requested for the presence of the Coyotes netminder after he was found shaken and walking bow-legged through the streets of downtown Scottsdale. On-lookers had remarked that he had looked dazed and confused and rambling that he had been abducted by extra-terrestrials.

This comes at an un-opportune time as the Coyotes are set to face Northwest Division rivals, the Vancouver Canucks. It is unknown as to whether Joseph will be made available for tonight's match-up or that his run of bad luck will keep what is believed to be his tender bottom from even sitting on the bench.

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Jovanovski To Play In Olympics

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Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada (FP) - Canucks star defenseman, Ed Jovanovski, has flown back to the team's medical staff in Vancouver to have what is believed to be abdominal surgery.

Canucks insiders have leaked that he is actually going to the University of British Columbia to undergo a controversial procedure that has been long said that it is "too Hollywood" to actually be done.

In an effort to get re-solidify the blueline without any major deals and to ease the pressure on Wayne Gretzky and the Olympic committee, the 29-year-old rearguard will be assessed by the University's Bionic Science department to fit his body with special mechanical body parts that will allow him to be bigger, faster & stronger at the low cost of nothing, due to subsidies from the Hockey Canada program.

Jovanovski, a Windsor, Ontario native, has only played one full 82-game season with the Canucks in 2001-2002, which was also the Olympic year he had won gold. Canucks first-year GM, Dave Nonis, scoffed at the idea of a bionic defenseman, but also added if that was ever going to be the case, he'd hate to re-negotiate his contract.

Doctors and professors at the University will not comment on to whether the department exists, but are less tight-lipped about Jovanovski's visit to the University Campus, citing that they do have more than adequate medical specialists to create Jovocop.


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Miikka Kiprusoff Ravaged By Pack Of Wolves

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ST. LOUIS, MO (FP) - In a bizarre turn of events, following the shootout loss to the St. Louis Blues, Calgary netminder Miikka Kiprusoff was found in a bloody heap after being ravaged by a pack of hungry wolves.

The 29-year-old netminder was taking a quick walk before getting on the bus to go to the St. Louis airport after the game when he suddenly disappeared from the sight of all of his teammates. A half hour later, he was found by local resident, Mel Glickstein, in a bloody heap.

"He was screamin' some sorta funny language at the top of his lungs... all I could hear was 'h-h-h-help!' so I went a runnin'," Mr. Glickstein told reporters, "when I arrived to give him some assistance, he was without any arms or legs."

It was later discovered after reviewing security tapes of buildings in the surrounding area, that a rogue band of wolves found the Finnish goalkeeper and jumped him from behind, thus ripping him to shreads.

He was taken to the County Hospital and immediately fitted with prosthetic limbs. GM and Coach Darryl Sutter says he'll be good to go against Columbus on Wednesday.

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