Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Voodoo Hockey Cards Hex Star

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Calgary, Alberta, Canada (FP) - Flames netminder, Miikka Kiprusoff, will start treatment for what he understands is some weird voodoo curse.

"Sharp pains have been occurring in random places, as if he was being hit by darts," Dr. Weatherley, a voodoo medicine specialist said in a statement, "where the only treatment is the rubbing of several potions and the ingestion of animal parts."

Kiprusoff, 30, wasn't going to make excuses as to the reason why the Flames were ousted by the Detroit Red Wings in the first round of the playoffs last season, but does credit the sharp pains with some of his inconsistency through the season. It was unclear when the pains started with the Finnish netminder, but he does recall some pains early on in the season and found that the pains were sharper and more frequent when the Flames travelled on road trips.

Voodoo hockey cards are still relatively new in the magic world, not considered one of the more popular types of memoribilia for sports hexing. In recent years, however, the voodoo magic has made it's way into the Canadian sports underbelly and has picked up steam in the CFL of all places. Hockey cards were always found to be so flimsy and not worthy of long-term hexing.

The trading card understood to be hexing the one-time Vezina trophy winner is thought to also be encased in a thick plastic, all the more reason why the spell has lasted so long. Once the card has come apart completely, the spell is broken. But doctors here in Calgary are hoping that the hex can be broken with a little bit of voodoo magic of their own as training camp is about to open this week.

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Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Kipper Looks For Promotion Of His Own

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Calgary, Alberta, Canada (FP) -
In a quick response to Garth Snow's appointment as General Manager of the New York Islanders, Calgary Flames goalkeeper, Miikka Kiprusoff has come out with a statement in regards to his own intentions for the near future.

In an afternoon press conference at the Saddledome, a Flames spokesperson read aloud Kiprusoff's statement, "Now that I know that NHL goaltenders can move quickly up the ladder in the world, I am moving towards Commissioner of the league, while continuing play towards a Stanley Cup with the Flames.

I believe that if Garth Snow gets a position like manager, my relative skill and domination should make me Commissioner of the league. I am the best goalie in the league, just look at my Vezina trophy and how it shines with my name on it. Where is Snow's name on that trophy?"

It was made quite clear that the Finnish goaltender, who had sent his statement from his home in his native Finland, was feeling quite arrogant, yet characteristically focussed on achieving this goal of restoring some of the tradition and respect in the league.

"I believe the league should return to it's heritage," the spokesperson continued to read, "Gary Bettman has made the NHL a joke compared to other American sports and the summer off because of fighting with players made my skills poor and sad. I want to play all the time in a league that thrives on it's own respect.

"I will continue to play for the Flames, even if I get job as Commissioner. I can bring a lot of good to the game in both job and think of all the chicks I'd get."

Commissioner Gary Bettman was not available for comment when we reached his office.

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Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Kipper Not So Kipper

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Calgary, Alberta, Canada (FP) - Just when you thought Miikka Kiprusoff was human, he has now claimed to possess super-human powers of foretelling the future. Unfortunately, this doesn't bode well as his tellings aren't very positive for his NHL club.

The Calgary Flames open a seven game homestand tonight against the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. The Finnish goaltender, fresh off of a win against the San Jose Sharks on Monday, with his new prosthetic limbs, has now had preminitions about his imminent start against his Californian opponents.

"It seems strange that all the hard work and training up to now in the season will be dashed by bad dreams of tonights games," Kiprusoff said this morning to reporters around the Saddledome, "but the coach will put me in and I will try to dispell all these bad dreams and my nervousness about them."

Kiprusoff was hesitant to actually describe what the bad dreams actually had in them, but he was visibly shaken as he stepped into the dressing room for preparation for the morning skate and as he stepped onto the ice.

General Manager and Head Coach, Darryl Sutter, was quoted as to saying that he has been through some traumatic experiences over the last couple weeks with the pack of wolves in St. Louis and his replacement limbs, not to mention less than reported bad luck before the blue Jackets and Canucks games as well. He agreed that his luck was down, but he seemed to be getting himself back together after beating his previous team.

"I won't stand for mysterious mumbo-jumbo," Sutter added when asked if he believed in what his starting goaltender was worried about.

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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

CuJo Probed Over Probing

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Scottsdale, Arizona (FP) - Phoenix Coyotes goaltender, Curtis Joseph, has become quite accustomed to being under the bright lights in Scottsdale, but nothing could prepare him for the bright lights of an unidentified flying object that allegedly combed the skies over Arizona and picked up the veteran goalie after practice Monday night.

The County Sheriff requested for the presence of the Coyotes netminder after he was found shaken and walking bow-legged through the streets of downtown Scottsdale. On-lookers had remarked that he had looked dazed and confused and rambling that he had been abducted by extra-terrestrials.

This comes at an un-opportune time as the Coyotes are set to face Northwest Division rivals, the Vancouver Canucks. It is unknown as to whether Joseph will be made available for tonight's match-up or that his run of bad luck will keep what is believed to be his tender bottom from even sitting on the bench.

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Jovanovski To Play In Olympics

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Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada (FP) - Canucks star defenseman, Ed Jovanovski, has flown back to the team's medical staff in Vancouver to have what is believed to be abdominal surgery.

Canucks insiders have leaked that he is actually going to the University of British Columbia to undergo a controversial procedure that has been long said that it is "too Hollywood" to actually be done.

In an effort to get re-solidify the blueline without any major deals and to ease the pressure on Wayne Gretzky and the Olympic committee, the 29-year-old rearguard will be assessed by the University's Bionic Science department to fit his body with special mechanical body parts that will allow him to be bigger, faster & stronger at the low cost of nothing, due to subsidies from the Hockey Canada program.

Jovanovski, a Windsor, Ontario native, has only played one full 82-game season with the Canucks in 2001-2002, which was also the Olympic year he had won gold. Canucks first-year GM, Dave Nonis, scoffed at the idea of a bionic defenseman, but also added if that was ever going to be the case, he'd hate to re-negotiate his contract.

Doctors and professors at the University will not comment on to whether the department exists, but are less tight-lipped about Jovanovski's visit to the University Campus, citing that they do have more than adequate medical specialists to create Jovocop.

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Miikka Kiprusoff Ravaged By Pack Of Wolves

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ST. LOUIS, MO (FP) - In a bizarre turn of events, following the shootout loss to the St. Louis Blues, Calgary netminder Miikka Kiprusoff was found in a bloody heap after being ravaged by a pack of hungry wolves.

The 29-year-old netminder was taking a quick walk before getting on the bus to go to the St. Louis airport after the game when he suddenly disappeared from the sight of all of his teammates. A half hour later, he was found by local resident, Mel Glickstein, in a bloody heap.

"He was screamin' some sorta funny language at the top of his lungs... all I could hear was 'h-h-h-help!' so I went a runnin'," Mr. Glickstein told reporters, "when I arrived to give him some assistance, he was without any arms or legs."

It was later discovered after reviewing security tapes of buildings in the surrounding area, that a rogue band of wolves found the Finnish goalkeeper and jumped him from behind, thus ripping him to shreads.

He was taken to the County Hospital and immediately fitted with prosthetic limbs. GM and Coach Darryl Sutter says he'll be good to go against Columbus on Wednesday.

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